Soulmate Sequence by Richard La Ruina | Book Summary and Notes14 min read

Book Summary

Rich has written a book that is good for giving general dating and relationship advice to both males and females. He takes a more long term view on relationships by teaching skills that are impactful not only in dating but other areas of life so you can discover more opportunities in areas such as business.

A key takeaway from this book is to understand what people want and give it to them. Whether, they are talking to you to feel understood or feel positive emotions, learn the skills that make you a person others want to share experiences with.

Book Notes

Introduction

Many opportunities in life start because of excellent social skills not by chance. Example: getting an interview for a new job opening a friend referred you to. Principles applied to dating can be applied to all areas of life.

Having a magnetic personality makes you a great leader. Drawing others to us can be learned through specific techniques and guidelines.

Operate from a place of empathy and unwavering integrity.

How the book is structured:

  1. Focus on meeting new people. Be great with meeting anyone.
  2. How to have success with all types of relationships.
  3. How to have healthy, long-term relationships.

Chapter 1 – Meeting People

If you are not where you want to be in life, surround yourself with new people.

“Through sheer exposure [to successful people] new abilities will seep into your subconscious.”

Surround yourself with people you want to become like.

Who should you meet? Find people who exemplify traits you want to learn.

Where to meet new people:

  1. Warm – Place where social interaction is expected. House party, conference
  2. Repeating – Place where frequent interactions occur: Receptionist at office you visit, neighbor checking at the gate.
  3. Cold – Random locations like sidewalk, coffee shop, etc.

When meeting a person:

  1. Discuss a commonality
  2. Bridge gap to outside world
  3. Find a reason for seeing them again

Conversation Example

  1. Comment about shared commonality (gym you are both at, type of coffee you ordered)
  2. Discover common interests (What did you do over the weekend? What do you do for work?)
  3. Learn about their motivations
  4. Casually invite them along to something

The friend-zone: Most dating relationships happen between people who are first friends.

Instead of investing resources into a one on one date with a person that has a chance of you never seeing them again, become friends and get to know them first. The slow game has greater rewards.

By being friendly to everyone, sometimes people may see you as hitting on them. You can avoid this by disqualifying yourself. Show them they are not your romantic target. “I like your scarf, my girlfriend has something really similar.”

“Give people what they want and they will enjoy spending time with you.”

People want to feel good, feel understood, and feel interesting.

Conversation topics when meeting new people: News just breaking, city you are both in, commonalities directly relating to them.

Summary:

Interactions with others will be positive when you give the other person what they want, which includes feeling good, feeling understood, and feeling interesting. Surround yourself with people who share similar interests and values. Discuss your commonalities.

Chapter 2 – Mastery of Conversation

Listening Well

  1. Eye contact
  2. Occasionally nod or agree
  3. Ask questions and listen

Develop a genuine curiosity about what they are saying. Follow up with a statement that indicates you are listening. Follow up with a question that shows you want to know more.

Step into that person’s shoes and imagine what they are describing. Translate your insights into a statement that vividly summarizes their motivations, rewards, and emotions experienced.

Turn a passive conversation into an interesting active conversation by using statements. Use questions sparingly only to probe deeper.

Statements should be either feelings or observations.

Emotions are the basis for a true connection. People delve into emotions only when they feel they are truly being listened to.

Keep 3 target questions in mind:

  1. Their emotions: What do they feel when they do this?
  2. Their character: What kind of person would do this?
  3. Their motives: What motivates someone to do this?

Determine subjects to talk about by finding something that makes the person’s eyes light up.

Summary:

People will become interested in you when they get what they want from the conversation. Great conversations start with two people connecting emotionally on a deeper level. Connect emotionally by listening intently and using statements to build connection.

Chapter 3 – Confidence

“If you want to be more confident and magnetic in a crowd, the crucial skills you need to work on are clarity and certainty.”

Intonation: Downward = statement. Upward = question or uncertain.

Eliminate filler words.

Eye contact builds trust, proves we are listening, and in dating it generates sexual attraction.

Eye contact means gazing generally at the space between their eyes.

Practice body language expressions by watching interviews with influential figures and modeling their actions.

Start interactions with general eye contact and eventually transition to intense eye contact. Intense eye contact involves focusing on one eye.

Bragging is done when we fancy someone because we want to impress them. It’s better to operate from a place of, “I’m confident in myself and don’t need to prove anything”.

When information is given for nothing, it has very little effects; when it is illicited it has very powerful effects.

“The higher your status, the less you smile”

“If there is a chance a person could think you are romantically interested, then hold back compliments until the relationship is clearer.”

Human beings fall in love and become attracted at different speeds. Wait until the woman has shown attraction later. Take your time.

Summary:

Learning body language skills to effectively communicate your thoughts and feelings will help you connect with people. Some skills may be awkward at first. Learn and internalize them so you are genuinely interested and natural in your chemistry. The notes above are the science behind why people just “feel good” when talking to you.

Chapter 4 – Social Shift

Our social circle is the biggest barrier to us improving our lives.

“When trying out new behaviors, they work much better in a fresh place with new people who don’t have preconceived notions of who you are.”

Join new activities that involve new people.

Examples of ways to meet like-minded people in a new city:

  • Join a gym and be sociable with everyone there
  • Go to the local coffee shops
  • Ask street directions and start up an interesting conversation
  • Go to bars and clubs a few times and make friends with other guys

<aside> 💡 Get dates by first having a good lifestyle, social circle, and good social options. Then, getting dates almost flows naturally from that base.

</aside>

When you are able to design your own social group, you will be surrounded by people who inspire you. Make diverse connections between people of different backgrounds who could benefit from knowing each other.

Become a social hub where friends can connect and coordinate new get-togethers and relationships because of you.

Persuasion

Sometimes people need a push to do something they know is good for them.

Develop a “yes” path. You don’t even need to ask the questions. Instead make them statements that the person logically accepts.

  1. You like cocktails?
  2. There is this cool cocktail bar called Eclipse with great cocktails.
  3. I could take you there, I haven’t been in a while and love the martinis there.
  4. Here, put your number in my phone and we can figure out the best time to go.

Offer choices that all serve you.

Pt.2 Chapter 5 – Determining What You Are Looking For

Ask yourself what exactly you are looking for in a soulmate.

When approaching women, don’t make it about getting a date. Don’t have an end goal in mind. Be in the moment and enjoy the conversation.

Always have something ready to say and have the line ready in your head before even meeting her.

On your way to the perfect long-term relationship, you will gain experience that helps you know what you want in a long-term lover.

Let your lover down gently:

  1. Set correct expectations early. “This is just where I am in life”.
  2. Don’t hookup with people who are interested in something serious if you are looking for something casual.
  3. Don’t spend too much time together if you are not serious. Once a week is okay.
  4. Be careful about the level of connection you share. They don’t need to know all the personal details of your life.
  5. Think about which side to show the person. Don’t show the ideal version of yourself in case you may make them fall in love and make moving on harder.

Chapter 6 – How to Have Great First Dates

The success of a first date can be pure chance.

  • Take your focus off the human encounter. This takes the pressure off the date going well.
  • Sit side-by-side or at 90 degrees from each other.
  • Don’t just talk. Do fun activities: horse riding, climbing, spa, cooking, art galleries, painting, paintball, knife throwing, wine tasting, and many more
  • Give yourself an easy out. If you aren’t sure how the date will go, have a time restraint built in like a lunch date.
  • You can meet with a group so you see how she interacts with others and it takes the pressure off.

Phases for an effective first date:

  1. Get over initial discomfort and have a basic chat.
  2. After 5min or so, connect well and find reasons for liking each other.
  3. Introduce some sexual tension so it feels like a date and not just acquaintances hanging out.

Chapter 7 – The Secret Seduction Source

Present a challenge to your date. Feel free to mention other dates you’ve been out on.

“I am very loyal and open when in a relationship, but when I am not in a relationship I think it is great to meet loads of people”

Show full confidence in yourself, opinions, and beliefs.

It’s okay to discuss politics, religion, etc. to get those out of the way to understand your differences.

Chapter 8 – Revealing Your Sexual Side

Evolving from friend to romantic partner involves turning up the dial on your sexual side.

Show interest in other women around you. Have sexually-themed conversations.

Don’t have too much contact in your early stages. Less = more interest.

Keep busy with rich and high-adrenaline activities.

Making the first move: Man makes the first move.

Handle all of her rejections like a gentleman. The girl will reject you not because she doesn’t like you but because so early on it isn’t proper.

Create sexual tension

  1. Create the right vibe
  2. Intensify eye contact
  3. turn physical touches into light curresses

Be honest to generate attraction.

  • Example: Do you go on many dates? Sure, when I’m single I go on lots of dates to find someone I like.
  • Example: Are you just interested in sex? Sure, I’d like to sleep with you, but I’m also getting to know you to see if I like other things about you.

The First kiss

  • Start glancing at her lips from time to time
  • Increase touch by taking her hand, resting your hand on her leg for a few seconds
  • Give a kiss on the cheek
  • Slow your speech
  • Ask what color her eyes are. She will look in your eyes.
  • Follow it up with a brief kiss.
  • Keep eye contact strong and push the seduction forward.

If she leans in and shows interest then you can escalate.

Signs she is interested: She gives you a compliment, touches your arm, gives positive feedback, asks qualifying questions about you, says you are a playboy

Chapter 9 – Good Text Game

Have phone on “do not disturb” during dates.

How quickly you respond to a message should be based on how soon you can reply. You will take a while to reply because you have genuine commitments where you don’t allow texts to disturb you.

The best way to handle messaging is to make messages short and about handling logistics.

Set up plans to meet as early as possible and then close to the date just send a quick reminder text “Hey, just checking. Still on for tonight?”

Be the one who gives slightly less to allow them to work harder to get you.

Let your online social media profiles show your value.

Dos and don’ts for online profiles:

  1. Think James Bond. Post activity pics showing sporty and fit.
  2. Show yourself smiling with children, animals, guys, girls.
  3. Travel pics from variety of places

Workplace relationships

How to succeed is crucial: college > friend > romance

  1. Start with hi and talk about work
  2. Upgrade convo to interests
  3. Find out more about their personal life: interests, hobbies, passions
  4. Meet outside of work in a group in a casual settings
  5. Suggest lunch together with just you two
  6. Find out if she is single

Pt. 3 Living Happily Ever After

Activities are better experienced with someone you love.

“I didn’t want to be that 50yr old chasing after women.”

Have a real sense of what your wife needs to be like.

Tell the truth. If you are worried about telling the truth, then behave better.

A good test of a relationship is to escape someplace where you are together for 24hrs in a day. This forces you two to communicate.

Chapter 10 – Nurturing Your Relationship

The keys to achieving a nurturing relationship:

  1. Set out to meet the right people
  2. Decided criteria for a compatible partner
  3. Gradually bridged the gap between friend and lover

Don’t slip into patterns that make you less attractive to each other.

“To keep the relationship strong, always bear in mind those things that initially attracted you and fight to make them survive.” Have a certain standard.

Keep lovers and partners in check by pointing out things that slip. Point out the positive: “I love it when you are decisive.” “You are looking so sexy. That working out is really paying off.”

Everyone in a relationship needs to be shown how to be better. This is similar to how we train a puppy or baby.

Show them what the rules are; what you will expect and what you won’t. Show them the boundaries.

Reward and punishment

Reward by doing nice favors, compliments, be available

Punish by distance, being unavailable

Wrong Example: Hes staying late at work not replying to texts. Girl calls him more, complains she doesn’t see him enough, wears sexy lingerie. This rewards him for giving less attention.

Right Example: She is slow to schedule plans and flakes on him. He plans to meet another girl instead and is unavailable to meet with her next time she asks to meet.

Chasing after them doesn’t work.

The next time you have an argument with your partner follow these steps:

  1. go to separate rooms for 5 Min
  2. Come back and give the other 1 compliment
  3. Let’s talk this through calmly later on when we are both able to communicate.

Do you fully understand your lovers thoughts on this topic? Do they understand yours?

Pt. 4 Using Your New Social Skills in Other Areas of Your Life

Chapter 11 – Hooking Up With High-Value People

Rather than pay $500/hr+ for a coach, you could get creative and invite that coach to dinner and show them around. Then, you can hit them up after for advice. “Hey do you mind if I reach out with a question about your advice on something?”

It’s easy to connect with the next level coming up by offering to give them something. People one level up from you are accessible with the self-respecting, giving approach.

How to Change Someone’s Mind

  1. Listen to them. Ask them to elaborate.
  2. Validate their position and reflect it back to them. Never use “but”. Instead, say “and”.
  3. Voice your perspective on the topic.

Example: For many years I always thought ___. And now my thought is this ___.

People will genuinely consider your opinion.

Think of people you know that have a positive quality you like. Hang out with them more frequently to adapt some of that quality for yourself.

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